Blog post written on february 5, 2018
Journal entry from December 22nd 2017:
‘Today feels like such a scatty day but I’m gonna write it all down because I know that I will forget how this feels once I’ve learnt ways to prevent it. I’ve got to start blogging about all of this soon, so I need to include details of bad days so that people reading will know that there’s someone who relates.
So, I’m sitting here in a mess but I’m feeling quite cosy. This is rare for me because mess usually turns me crazy. I literally used to start hyperventilating if I walked into a messy environment – Madness! The Kitchen sink has been prepped ready for me to start washing the dishes and the washing machine is open with clean wet clothes hanging out and 3 items already put on the living room radiator to dry. Yesterday’s clean, dry clothes are still in the way so I wont be able to continue hanging the new ones out until they have been removed from the clothes rack, folded and put away. I’ve also just had a good rummage through my huge box of cards to pick out some nice Christmas ones to send out to family before 5pm. I’ve got them all in a pile next to the TV ready for when I write them out. I can’t do them just yet because I’ve got to charge my laptop ready to finish watching Jolynne Whittaker’s youtube video on Elevation for 2018. I’m really looking forward to taking notes and sharing them with the girls.
Before I get into it I need to take a second out to write notes in my phone (the ones you are reading right now) to remind me of how this day feels. 15 minutes later and I’ve accidentally got myself glued to whatsApp and ended up forgetting why I picked up my phone in the first place. Now that I’ve remembered though, I need to quickly write the list of people I’m sending these Christmas cards to before I forget. Arrrrgh!! I annoy myself so much!! Why didn’t I get this done before? I would have put so much effort in if I had more time, just like I used to; with stickers and multi coloured pens. I used to write my friends poems and stuff – Daaaamn! How did I ever manage to sit down for so long decorating the page how I used to? I do nothing of the sort anymore! Help me Lord!! I need to get back to how I was! I WILL beat ADHD by forcing my way out head first. I will beat it with love and focus and organisation because my God is a God of order!!!! And I am made in His image!’
The journal entry above is how a typical weekend morning would be for me before I started to learn what my main triggers were and how to avoid ‘fuzzy’ days. I still get days like this where my focus is flying all over the place and I have about 80 things on the go at once but no where near as often as I was before my diagnosis that led to so much well needed research. I’m trying to prove to myself that medication is not always needed. I have also started to make a conscious effort to deliberately plan out my day or my set of tasks in a way that actually sees them being completed. What an amazing sense of victory a completed to-do list gives me.
The way I would describe my inattention, how easily distracted I am or my inability to focus is to picture my mind as a computer. On a day where I feel like ‘ADHD is winning’, it’s almost as if I’m a very overworked computer who is about to crash due to 9 windows being open and all with 67 active tabs each. The computer needs every single one of these tabs open so cannot close any but the annoying side effect of this is that sometimes, without instruction from the mouse, ‘priority’ tabs fly open that need 100% focus. As these tabs pop open, they get the full attention and focus that they so urgently require so the tab that was open before gets completely overshadowed and sometimes it doesn’t get reopened for some time, if ever at all. The ‘flying tabs party’ has officially started so who knows when the important one will get their turn at the front again.
To translate this in a way that may make more sense to you, picture this common scenario for me — I’m at work in a training session, group meeting or team discussion of some sort and I’m listening to the person at the front. I am writing notes to keep me focused and to make sure that I don’t miss anything important (I usually end up trying to write out every single thing said even though they are sending a slide show to everyone later – it’s almost like I get obsessed with writing it all down because I almost feel like it didn’t happen or won’t stick with me if it’s not written down) then the voice of the person at the front starts to fade out and everything else is louder. The everything else is usually other voices in the room, a brightly coloured piece of art or shoe I can see, amazing new ideas popping around in my mind or a dark tab sometimes opens to remind me to worry about someone or something so I dive head first into that which often leads to a silent anxiety attack. (anxiety is another symptom of ADHD) Then, all of a sudden, I get the urge to leave the room. For no apparent reason, I just get up and walk out as if I had an appointment. I often head straight to the kitchen or the ladies toilets as these are the only places I could possibly get away with needing to rush off to. It takes a while but I do eventually remember that I have a meeting/training session to return to and so I head back towards the meeting room. I get back and have forgotten why we are gathered here but I’m feeling focused and motivated enough to figure it out and actually get really stuck in.. for about 4 solid minutes…then a new tab flies open and it all begins again. This can happen practically all day long sometimes and it makes me feel like my head is ready to explode.
On days like this, I find myself flapping around at my desk quite a lot too. I feel like I can’t decide what is the most important thing to do or which order to tackle my to-do list in so can find myself doing absolutely nothing rather than choosing wrongfully. Working in a sales role where productivity means more money, this is probably one if the most frustrating times for me because I am completely responsible for what I earn. If I am asked to send a proposal over to a potential client, I get onto it straight away and am buzzing at the possible revenue to come in then out of nowhere decide I really urgently need to tweet something about positive thinking which leads to me getting stuck on twitter for 20 mins. I copy and paste 27 motivational tweets that I want my girls to see, then come up with the amazing idea that if I print them off on paper and decorate the page with my sharpies, they will be more likely to read and digest the message rather than if I just sent it over to them in a text. As I excitedly get my sharpies out, as if shaken out of a day-dream, I then remember that I haven’t researched the company of a new lead that I found earlier on that day (separate to the one who has requested a proposal) so get onto that immediately in order to be well prepared for the new business call I need to make. My proposal from earlier on still has not been sent…
These examples are based around my work environment because I am there for such a huge chunk of my day, and with my role consisting of so many different tasks and responsibilities, it’s been the place where I have noticed and wanted to flying Kick the operations of my brain so much. Saying all that though, I must be managing my tabs well because I was top biller of my team last month, qualified for extra bonuses for this quarter and always smash my target. (Proof that having ADHD does not lead to failure despite how things feel at the time)
It’s the same pattern with my social life too. If manage to even find the motivation to leave my bed, and I am with a friend catching up for instance, I literally have to bullet point all of the things I want to speak to them about or I end up cutting them off every few seconds during serious or important conversations to start speaking about something so meaningless because a new ‘tab’ decided to dominate my mental priority list and I need to blurt it out before I forget. This can lead to the person I am speaking with feeling hurt, unimportant or like I just can’t be bothered to listen. This is pretty hard for me to deal with because even if I do explain that I just briefly ‘drifted away with the tabby fairies’, it still sounds like I’m saying that their conversation was boring me. This is why understanding is so important. For a person who is struggling with ADHD and has not yet fully embraced it, one of the most frustrating things is how many people there are in your life that need to understand the details of the condition to understand you better but don’t research it because they think that they already know what ADHD is. Just like I did. I have a few mates who have actually taken the time to research and understand the condition and when they see me getting overwhelmed, they jokingly call me Tabitha as a nickname. It’s such a relief to be dragged out of a frustrating thought pattern to see the funny side – I hope these friends know how much this helps.
As I mentioned in my first post (prior to this one) I am going to be sharing my ADHD journey in a very personal way. I will be writing from personal experience and based around my own personal research rather than throwing out lots of science based facts and stats. If you are feeling like you or someone close to you could have ADHD, do take some time out to do some research yourself as not everyone has the same type of ADHD or even suffer from the same symptoms. There are so many layers to it. So far, I have identified that animal products and sugar products are huge triggers for me and so have cut sweets, fizzy drinks, coffee, meat, dairy products and fish out of my diet as much as physically possible for me right now. I do eat chocolate sometimes and find myself nibbling on cheese here and there because I love them and struggle with self-control but I’m heading towards a plant-based diet where I know I will have a lot more control over my ADHD and just lead a much healthier and happier lifestyle altogether.
Sorry that it has taken me almost a whole week to post again. I’ve had this post ready for a while but I’ve just been soooo over the top and obsessive with my thinking, planning and trying to decide when is best to post it thats its seen days go by just sitting in the drafts folder but I’ve decided I’m going to break that habit of over thinking (another symptom of ADHD) and make sure I FORCE myself to publish a couple of posts a week from now on. (After prayer, FORCE mixed with huge helpings of will power are great ingredients to train your brain to push past the stuck feeling ADHD symptoms can give you) By the grace of God, and the motivation I have been getting from everyone’s messages, I will stick to this and be a consistent Blogger. I’m actually so proud that I’ve committed to this.
Its actually mental for me to sit back and take in the fact that I am here closing my 2nd blog post. A blog that I was initially meant to start way before ADHD – it has been on my heart for over 4 years! I’ve done it now though so I really feel the need to give myself a big shout out! Whoooolllooooooop!!! – There is goes lol
I’m basically a writer now! I no longer feel to karate chop my payslips when I see that I am still paying back over £400 per month to the student loan company for a loan i took out for a degree I started 3 times but couldn’t commit to. I studied professional and creative writing with Theology at university as I always had dreams of writing books about my life experiences in hopes of inspiring and encouraging others but a mix of stressful personal problems and crippling ADHD tendencies saw me start the course and never actually complete it. And then again, and again. Its a beautiful feeling to be able to say and know that I have finally stepped into my calling and I am so excited to see how God is and will continue to use my difficult times to help others. What an honour. What a relief.
Thanks again, so so much for reading!
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